thoughtcrimes

• jesus: mom i told you i didn't want a big party
• mary: THE WHOLE WORLD WILL CELEBRATE EVERY YEAR

" In pop culture, girls who crush hopelessly on guys they can’t have are painted as just that – hopeless. Over and over again, we’re taught that girls who openly express sexual or romantic interest in guys who don’t want them are pitiable, stalkerish, desperate, crazy bitches. More often than not, they’re also portrayed as ugly – whether physically, emotionally or both – in order to further establish their undesirability as an objective fact. Both narratively and, as a consequence, in real life, men are given free reign to snub, abuse, mislead and talk down to such women: we’re raised to believe that female desire is unseemly, so that any consequent shaming is therefore deserved. There is no female-equivalent Friend Zone terminology because, in the language of our culture, a man’s romantic choices are considered sacrosanct and inviolable. If a girl has been told no, then she has only herself to blame for anything that happens next – but if a woman says no, then she must not really mean it. Or, if she does, she shouldn’t: the rejected man is a universally sympathetic figure, and everyone from moviegoers to platonic onlookers will scream at her to just give him a chance, as though her rejection must always be unfounded rather than based on the fact that he had a chance, and blew it. And even then, give him another one! The pathos of Single Nice Guys can only be eased by pity-sex with unwilling women that blossoms into romance! "

" You may not agree with a woman, but to criticize her appearance — as opposed to her ideas or actions — isn’t doing anyone any favors, least of all you. Insulting a woman’s looks when they have nothing to do with the issue at hand implies a lack of comprehension on your part, an inability to engage in high-level thinking. You may think she’s ugly, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot. "

a guide to uk cities for foreign people

• manchester: gays. you will probably get mugged.
• liverpool: like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged.
• newcastle: probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.
• leeds: it's a lot cheaper than london
• bradford: leeds but awful
• nottingham: gun death capital of the uk!
• derby: intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any f*cks about this.
• hull: violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here
• leicester: i'm not sure this is a real place
• york: this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment
• birmingham: NO.
• brighton & hove: more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. basically if san francisco was british.
• portsmouth: there is literally nothing here.
• southampton: exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk
• bristol: you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.
• cardiff: you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.
• plymouth: post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.
• penzance: everyone here is from london now.
• london: no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.
• cambridge: windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.
• oxford: same number of c***s as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london
• edinburgh: a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.
• glasgow: it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.
• aberdeen: las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably
• belfast: do not order "an irish car bomb" OR "a black and tan" here.
• wolverhampton: really, really don't.
• norwich: count people's fingers. mutations walk here.
• coventry: like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.
• wells: so tiny and filled with country bumpkins that it got used as the setting for the VILLAGE in hot fuzz. there is also a suspiciously low crime rate...
• worcester: a blend between pretty tudor houses, ugly 60s buildings, forests, and sauce.

" If men can talk about drinking in every awesome rock ‘n’ roll song and every awesome rap song, why can’t a woman? Just because I drink doesn’t mean I’m a drunk. Just because I have sex, and I’m not embarrassed doesn’t mean I’m a whore. If men can do it, why can’t a woman do it? I really feel one of my main reasons for being on this earth is to level out the playing field just a little bit. "

• Plot Twist: Australia and New Zealand unite to stop the apocalypse.